I still have a pulse

Still trying to figure out this SBR stuff.... from my past, I know I can be successful up to and including racing at world class level in my age group. Somehow, this year has decided to be my ultimate trial. Did turning 50 suck the desire out of me? Did something in my brain tell me "you are not worthy, you're past it, it's gone, get the rocker"? I don't know. All I know is that panicking in the swim has become the norm rather than the exception, and last week at Sylvan Lake absolutely devastated and debillitated me. It completely unhinged my confidence to life my life in any way shape or form. I couldn't face work, I couldn't face outside, and I couldn't face my training. I have a consult with a psychologist to see if I need to see someone in general, or a sports psychologist. I may need to see both. All I know is that life can't go on like this.



I have always had the feeling I could do anything I wanted, and my life thus far has proved it. I have done 59 triathlons, succeeded at my job, and had the satisfaction of creating quilts I love for people I care about. So why am I sitting here doubting my ability to hop on my bike and ride out on the Henday? Why do I dread running, the one activity I could always pull on my shoes, hit the road and do? I don't know.... I hope I can get some answers.



While I wait to see what my next step may be, I have to thank a few people for always, always always being there for me. My friend Sherry, who is the epitome of positivity, energy, friendship, good vibes and always being there.... she has a busy life, a great business, a fantastic husband and the best outlook of anyone I know. For always being my rock from 3200 km away, I love you Sherry, when (notice I didn't say if) I come out of this scary cloud, you can take some credit for giving me a gentle kick.



My boss Dale, who has always told it like it is. We get along because we are straight with each other. I wasn't always nice, I certainly haven't always been easy to deal with or manage, but he has pushed back when necessary.... guided me through the maze, encouraged me in everything, listened to me rant, and watched me cry in frustration and hurt. I think we now have come to a place that's level, respectful and positive. I am constantly learning every day to pick the hill I want to die on.... not everything is worth the fight, even if it's not right. You rock, boyfriend, and no matter what happens in my life, you have a great place in it. My work is one place that I can shine, though the last few days of total exhaustion have made me more of a TV program expert than a sales expert.



My mom... though